((OOC))

We were driving home from the movies, listening to "Mr. President" by Pink. This may seem totally irrelivant, but if you knew how powerfull music is to me, it explains everything. Driving home, I just start thinking. Holy shit. I'm... alive... Sure I've had this thought plenty of times. I'm not stupid. It's just very rare that you fully comprehend what this means and how lucky you are to be alive.

Not just lucky to be alive. I live in a nice house, with a family that I love and they love me back. We get on eachothers nerves alot, but when you think of it percentage wise with how much time I have to spend with them, it's barely anything at all. I've never broken one bone in my entire body. I haven't been in a state close to death since shortly after I was born. I've never been alone unless it's by choice. Only one person I've loved has ever died. The list goes on forever...

I could be sitting in a hut with my 15 brothers and sisters in 120+ degree weather with flies landing on my eyes so that they can get some moisture, but I'm not. I live about 10 blocks from the fucking beach.

All this comes to mind and I smile. Why are there people out there who complain all the time? I remember just today at school, a friend that I'd recently met named Katy was telling me about how awful her life was. How her dad does some drug and her mom drinks. How she used to have the perfect life. Well that's just it. You had your shot at a perfect life. Nobody gets to have it perfect their whole life. Life is full of ups and downs and that's what makes it what it is. It's what makes it worth living.

And she doesn't even have it that bad. She also lives pretty dame close to the beach, and let me tell you, from hearing about this 'perfect life' of hers, I'd say it's about time she was brought down from the clouds. I have friends that have it way worse than her, and I almost never hear them complain (except in their blogs, but hey. that's what they're for).

We get out of the car and I look up at the sky. I remember things that have happened to me, both good and bad. Most of what happens, in the end, is for the best, even the bad things. Even crying, or wanting to cry but not being able to. It's all for the best.

I walk into my room. The first thing that catches my eyes is a small toy on my bed. I remember how I got it. I had been at rehersal, just about to leave, when Sage runs up and gives it to me. Completely out of the blue, he thought of me. Sage isn't very old, probably about 9 I'm guessing. I met him durring Summer Drama Camp, but already he is like a little brother to me. I pick the toy up. Small and cheep, from Mc Donalds. It's the most beautiful thing that I own. I hug it close to me and collapse onto my bed, a smile still plastured onto my face.

I'd kill just about anyone. There's a group of people I'd have to be in a bad mood to kill. There are a few people who I wouldn't kill, but I probably wouldn't care if they died. But there's very rarely someone who I'd want to protect.

Fun, fun, fun

So... I've been letting go a bit lately. Slowly I am not trying as hard to contain myself. It feels so much better, but apparently my thoughts are not as normal as I thought they would be. Aparently I should have kept my big mouth shut. Here are a few things that people didn't know about me before the past week or so, that they probably do now.

When I was little, my dreams would usually have two of me in them. One was doing whatever and the other was scared as hell of the other one. Later, The other me that used to be scared just sat there, not caring. Now there is only one me.

When I was in kindergarten, I had a dream that my teacher at my bracelet for red ribbon week. You know those one's that you can't get off without cutting it, and if you keep it on all week you get a treat? Well, in my dream, she ate it. I. was. PISSED. I took her into my doctors office and tied her down to a metal table. I cut her open and took my bracelet back, smiling as I put it back on. Meanwhile the other me is crying ans trying to stop me, and my teacher is screaming, crying, and bleeding all over the place. The only thing that desturbs me about this is that I was 5. Dreams like this are pretty normal for me, but acourding to my mother, not for other people.

I love trying new things. I try out being blind a lot. It works okay as long as you're going in a straight line. I was walking home with my sisters a couple days ago, being blind and attatched to her backpack. She didn't know I was doing this, so she didn't warn me about a low wall I was about to trip over, so... BAM! I fell on one knee and both my hands. I have a rather large purple-blue bruise on my knee and I can't put too much pain on it without it hurting (which I must admit can feel good if you do it right). But the only thing I cared about at that moment was Fuck, my boot got scratched.

I also like to take a deep breath, close my eyes, stick my head under water, and just stay there. It feels sooo good. The water on your face, the burning in your lungs. Now, mind you, I don't think I'd really like to drown. But, when you're able to control pain, it feels good. I've scared a couple of people. They thought I was actually drowning! XD

Here's something anyone who's the least bit observant should know if they know me in real life. When I like something, I obsess over it. I usually slowly change the way I dress to match more with my obsession. I don't go around wearing a costume, but as close as you can get with it still being normal cloths. My personality changes slightly to match it as well, and one thing from each obsession. A few things are being unbelievably good at science, having a slight god-complex, and analyzing everything and everyone.

AND I have to go now, BYE~!

좋아요!

I met this girl in my PE class. Her name is Jieun; she's Korean. Now I'm really eger to learn the language; she doesn't speak much English (could have fooled me). Today, near the end of lunch, I sat with her, her brother, and a few of their friends. They talked mostly in Korean, I could barely understand anything! XD It's like when I was first learning Japanese all over again.

They seemed happy with the tiny bit of Korean I did know. I didn't get any of their names, but Jieun's brother is in the same grade as me. I found it weird that they all asked me how old I was, untill I remembered that, in Korean, you have to talk to people older than you politly. If they're younger than you, you don't. I think Jieun's brother is the only one my age, but I'm not sure.

She said I could eat lunch with them again. I think I will. Jieun's really nice; I'm glad I've met her. Also, sitting with them may help me learn Korean faster. I'll have to learn it to keep up with the conversations, after all. XD

I wonder if any of them recognized me. Last year, sometimes I would stand close to where they were sitting so that I could try to pick up their conversation... Just for practice. XD I remember that it was usually just Jieun and her brother there.... I wonder what his name is.

Only bad news: Carlton is in none of my classes and I get a lot of homework! D8

Oops

Last night at the dinner table I blurted out that I was wearing three bras. It wasn't embarassing, but mom got mad. You see, I read that wearing multiple sports bras can make a good binder for your chest. It worked okay, and it was really comfey compared to ACE bandages.

I'm still cutting myself. [sarcasm] Yay![/sarcasm] As I said, it's like an addiction. Once you start you just can't stop. And like a drug, it really does work. It makes me happy for a while. I did make a rule, though. I'm not aloud to make more than one cut per day. That seems reasonable.

I got really hyper today while holding a glass bottle. Do you know how hard it is not to throw one of those things when you're hyper? It's like a giant bowl of icecream in front of you, and you love icecream, and everyone else is eating it, but you're lactosintollerent (or however that's spelled).

I'm still having trouble with the whole 'what to do after high school' thing. The weirdest job that's ever been suggested to me was a hitman. Weird, huh? I actually thought about it though. I actually know a few people that I would want to work with. They're amazing.

Something not in real life for a moment. I have all these roleplays that I need to reply to! D8 Some of them are boring, some of them I really just don't know what to do next. I feel guilty when I don't reply for more than a day, though. -__-

Enough of problems, let's actually talk about something happy.... hmmmm... Oh! My cousins are coming over tomarrow! I can't wait to see them... I'm not even related to them, we've just known eachother since preschool. When your whole family has known their whole family your whole life, it starts to feel like you're family.

That reminds me. A long time ago I saw the school counsiler at elementary school. She made me draw this diagram that looked like the layers of the earth. The people outside the circle were stranger, first inside was aquaintances, next friends, best friends, then family. She told me to figure out where everyone in my life fit into my circle, but never to tell anyone because they might have me in a diffrent place.

To tell you the truth, I think most therapists are retarded. I've only met two that actually have helped and those are the past two school counselors I've had. Mr. Plouman is just amazing at what he does. I've always wanted to see a therapist and just mess with their head. It sounds like fun. Maybe I'll do it someday soon.

Adios, amigos!
Au revoir, mes amis!
拜拜， 我的朋友！
じゃあね、 私の友達！
안녕, 나친구!
Bye, guys!

Sometimes I think I'm god, sometimes I think I'm just crazy

Well, my friend started a blog. I thought 'Well that's a pretty dumb idea, now half the world knows your problems.' yet here I am. Writing one. I guess it sounded fun. Maybe it'll be a way to get my thoughts straight. Who cares, let's just get this thing going.

One thing I've gotta say is: No. I don't really think I'm god. I say I do, but I'm just kidding. It's fun to pretend to have a huge god complex. Do I have an overly large ego? ... Kind of...

I guess here is where I put down all the thoughts and feelings that I don't tell anyone. Well, here goes nothing.

I do cut myself. Not hard enough to get a scar, just enough to draw a bit of blood. I started because I was angry at myself for being born a girl (Oh yeah, I'm transsexual. Did I mention that?) and I was sick of just throwing myself at walls and throwing things. I needed something to show for it. Since then it's become an addiction. I almost need to do it. It's... fun.
Please don't kill me friends. I'm not suicidal.

What are you afraid of and what do you do with that fear? When I'm afraid of something I like to concur it. When I was afraid of the dark as a little kid I would unplug the nightlight and learn to love it. I'll have to say it works pretty well. I've gotten over fear of dark, knives, and drowning that way. (I wouldn't want to die drowning, but it wouldn't be the worst death ever) Right now I'm trying to get rid of my fear of burning. You could watch me laugh at movies where people's heads get cut off, but as soon as someone starts burning I shut up and get a straight face.

I have no idea what to do with my life after high school. I know I have to go to college, but for what? What do I want to be? There are so many things I love and would like to do. Why do I have to focus on one or two of them? Growing up sucks.

So, yeah. I'm a transsexual. Have known for... 4 years? Maybe 5. I just want people who know me to know that this is not going away. If you think I'm choosing to be like this, you're dumber than a newborn retarded baby. Why would I choose to put all this on myself? It freakin' sucks. To look at yourself in the mirror and get the urge to kill something. To have the constant feeling that something just isn't right. That things are missing, things are where they shouldn't be. If the surgery thing didn't exsist I'd probably kill myself, or already be dead. It's this tiny speck of hope that I probably won't be able to afford, but it's there.

I don't know quite why, but I've never been interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't understand why anyone would want to go on a date, not to mention get married. Getting married actually seems like the dumbest idea ever to me. You'll probably just get divorced anyways.

It's not that I haven't felt attracted to anyone. I can say that there is one person I like a lot, but I wouldn't want to go out with them. Make-out with them? ....no, actaully. Not that either. I just feel diffrent around them and like to be around them. I don't see why I'd need a 'date' to do that.

I've made a vow to never drink alcohol. I want to do all these things I cant (e.g. break expensive things, jump out of moving vehicals, strangle people, jump off high places, run around with a knife) because it's gonna hurt someone. The only thing that stops me from doing these things is my self control. With a little bit of liqour, that can be taken away and who knows what could happen?

Love you all although I don't know you. Thanks for taking the time to read about my oh-so-wonderfull life. <3