Sometimes I think I'm god, sometimes I think I'm just crazy

Well, my friend started a blog. I thought 'Well that's a pretty dumb idea, now half the world knows your problems.' yet here I am. Writing one. I guess it sounded fun. Maybe it'll be a way to get my thoughts straight. Who cares, let's just get this thing going.

One thing I've gotta say is: No. I don't really think I'm god. I say I do, but I'm just kidding. It's fun to pretend to have a huge god complex. Do I have an overly large ego? ... Kind of...

I guess here is where I put down all the thoughts and feelings that I don't tell anyone. Well, here goes nothing.

I do cut myself. Not hard enough to get a scar, just enough to draw a bit of blood. I started because I was angry at myself for being born a girl (Oh yeah, I'm transsexual. Did I mention that?) and I was sick of just throwing myself at walls and throwing things. I needed something to show for it. Since then it's become an addiction. I almost need to do it. It's... fun.
Please don't kill me friends. I'm not suicidal.

What are you afraid of and what do you do with that fear? When I'm afraid of something I like to concur it. When I was afraid of the dark as a little kid I would unplug the nightlight and learn to love it. I'll have to say it works pretty well. I've gotten over fear of dark, knives, and drowning that way. (I wouldn't want to die drowning, but it wouldn't be the worst death ever) Right now I'm trying to get rid of my fear of burning. You could watch me laugh at movies where people's heads get cut off, but as soon as someone starts burning I shut up and get a straight face.

I have no idea what to do with my life after high school. I know I have to go to college, but for what? What do I want to be? There are so many things I love and would like to do. Why do I have to focus on one or two of them? Growing up sucks.

So, yeah. I'm a transsexual. Have known for... 4 years? Maybe 5. I just want people who know me to know that this is not going away. If you think I'm choosing to be like this, you're dumber than a newborn retarded baby. Why would I choose to put all this on myself? It freakin' sucks. To look at yourself in the mirror and get the urge to kill something. To have the constant feeling that something just isn't right. That things are missing, things are where they shouldn't be. If the surgery thing didn't exsist I'd probably kill myself, or already be dead. It's this tiny speck of hope that I probably won't be able to afford, but it's there.

I don't know quite why, but I've never been interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't understand why anyone would want to go on a date, not to mention get married. Getting married actually seems like the dumbest idea ever to me. You'll probably just get divorced anyways.

It's not that I haven't felt attracted to anyone. I can say that there is one person I like a lot, but I wouldn't want to go out with them. Make-out with them? ....no, actaully. Not that either. I just feel diffrent around them and like to be around them. I don't see why I'd need a 'date' to do that.

I've made a vow to never drink alcohol. I want to do all these things I cant (e.g. break expensive things, jump out of moving vehicals, strangle people, jump off high places, run around with a knife) because it's gonna hurt someone. The only thing that stops me from doing these things is my self control. With a little bit of liqour, that can be taken away and who knows what could happen?

Love you all although I don't know you. Thanks for taking the time to read about my oh-so-wonderfull life. <3